i really dislike what caffeine does to me. it makes me uncontrollably fast, and not really in an energetic way, just a rushed way. i also dislike the sensation physically. there’s just something deeply off about being on caffeine for me. i get a visceral “this is not right” feeling, not like dread but sort of in that direction, and it takes hours to fade.

i guess it’s because i feel the need to control myself all the time to feel safe, and caffeine takes away some self-control and makes me more impulsive. thus i associate caffeine with a vague badness, and hence the dread-like feeling.

or maybe it’s my heart telling me it’s a bad idea. i did have a heart valve repair as a newborn baby and maybe i should check it out again.

Well this is adorable

Because you’re addicted to the point that you’re physically dependent on caffeine to be able to function. As an experiment try going three days without it and see if you can endure the withdrawal symptoms. It takes around a week to get over the worst part, around a month to get over the worst cravings, three months to feel better and around a year for your body to reach a new baseline. The advantage is feeling well when you wake up, having stable energy throughout the day until you go to bed, better sleep and feeling more relaxed and present in your surroundings.